i just work here

i'm not sure it's okay to admit this outloud in the town of steel, but football season just really frustrates me.

As a youth leader, attendance plummets right around Thanksgiving and stays low through the New Year due to family and social obligations - at Sunday School, at Youth Group, at church.... And then there's football season. The city and all of it's suburbs go nuts. Church needs to let out early... people leave early or don't even come on game days.... ??!!??!!

Now I can't say I'm not excited at all that the 6th placed Steelers made it to the Super Bowl and Jerome Bettis gets to play in his hometown and Big Ben got to keep his promise to Jerome... yeah, yeah, yeah, it's all warm and fuzzy.

HOWEVER - I get these crappy numbers at youth group.

Now - one of the greatest pieces of advice I've ever been given about youth ministry is that attendance isn't personal. It's almost NEVER personal when a kid doesn't come. So I have gotten to the point where I don't take it personally and I don't get so discouraged by it.

But let's consider the nature of Youth Ministry. I've been writing character references out the ying yang this year - personal stories about how I've seen this kid or that kid grow and blah blah blah. I'm happy to do it for each student that asks because it's such a personal thing... The mission trip revelations, the long rides back from events, the chatter over a meal because it's been too long since we just got to talk, the IM and phone conversations for advice and updates... it's all personal.

I've been struggling internally for over a month - if the entire nature of my job is to get personal with students, when does attendance become personal?

Just recently we put out the announcement that there wasn't regular youth group because of a concert. Not that many kids wanted to go to the concert, which surprised me a little, but it wasn't personal. The day of the concert - some of the students that were actually going backed out and we found replacements. The concert was sold out, of course someone else wanted their seat.

So there I am, trying to get a drink in fellowship and get to the other end of the building for a meeting. You know how it is. It should take 45 seconds but people keep making their way into your line of motion and need to say or ask something.... 10 minutes later, I really need to get to that meeting. And one of my students that backed out for what seemed like a really silly reason to me jumps right in my path... I can't even tell you what she said to me... but I said, "I don't know. I just work here." And the student, unbeknownst of my inner struggle for more than a month, sarcastically says, "Yeah, you don't have relationships with any of us or anything. You just work here." And I say, "Sure does seem like it sometimes." OUCH. why? ugh. Why do I say things like that??!!

We just did this trust fall illustration the other week at youth group - where I picked a kid to fall because of our relationship. I knew he totally trusted me to catch him if I told him that I could. I knew that his second fall from a higher place (a chair) - even though he was doubting how this would all work out, because of our strong relationship, he still trusted me. I can see God's fingerprints on a lot of the kids I work with. I can see the calling he's placed on a lot of their lives... and regardless of every sensitivity training course I have ever taken or taught - there a lot of kids I couldn't bear to only ever side-hug.

So where's the line? When do ski trips, steeler games, dance rehearsals, play practices, sports, movie nights, family dinners and all the likes - when do they come in second? When I see kids attendance drastically dropping and I can see their personal walks becoming stunted why isn't that personal? If everything we do is so personal - how is a rejection of that for other immediate priorities not personal? And when does it become personal?

I mean, there really have been a lot of days in my recent past when I've wondered about these things and I really do think, "Maybe, I just work here."