Changed for Good

Okay, so maybe you don't know the song from "Wicked." The show is coming to Pittsburgh in a month, I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to see it or not...but I would love it if I got the chance. Basically, it's the story of the Wicked Witch before Dorothy and her house land on top of her. She and Glenda (the good witch) were roommates at Wizardry School - they were even friends. And at one point they sing -

"Who can say
if I've been Changed for the better? ...
because I knew you......
I have been changed for good."

I've been coming back to this soundtrack over and over... it's really good music and a great story about how things are not always black and white when it comes to who is good and who is bad, especially since Elphaba (the "wicked" witch) is actually green - ha ha.

But yeah, so my kids introduced me to the music and I've been listening and relistening and chewing on this idea - that we don't always change people or get changed by people for the better - but each person that does come into and shares in our lives changes us indefinitly.

I'm staying with my parents for Christmas - and I have to wait for my car to get out of the shop to go back home to Pittsburgh tomorrow... and I decided to check out the Youth Ministry WebRing.... just browse around and read some other folks thoughts.... and I found this blog entry.

And of course it got me to thinking. I got me to thinking about a girl from the summer camp I used to work with. Actually, she was my friend's camper, then she was my camper, then she was an assistant counselor when I was on administrative staff a gillion years later... Point being, I watched her grow up. She totally changed friends towards the end of her high school years, and ended up being in the worst possible place at the worst possible time. She leaned forward at a party and took a bullet intended for someone else. It was tragic. It was hard. And oddly enough, I was just talking about it with a friend before Christmas.

So today I was reading this guy's blog... and he's talking about losing a student and trying to figure out how she got away from their ministry. Did she reject them or did they not persue her hard enough? Was the invitation clear and she said no thanks? Or was the invitation cloudy and she passed because it didn't make sense? Was it her or them? There is SO much that we will never know.

BUT the writer mentions an opportunity he had to speak with her and hear about her life two weeks before her death. What a blessing. She may not have been around the Youth Group for a while - but she still took the time to talk with him about her life. She could have pretended not to see him and walked on by... I certainly have kids that do that to me when I'm at the high school. But she didn't do that. She stopped and chatted. And I have had kids do that with me as well. Do I miss them in the ministry setting of our Youth Group Meetings or Sunday School class? Of course! But I'm still joyful that to see them outside of our church walls. And I'm always blessed by their hugs and short anecdotes of where life has them these days. There are kids that don't ever become what we wanted them to be - but it doesn't mean we didn't have any impact on their lives at all. We can change them for good without changing them for the "better." That's the whole thing with tending the garden. We can do great things and still witness no growth... growth is not our job. Tending and Caring for is.

In the middle of all we know about how her life changed - we can not know about her relationship with God. We don't know the desires and cries of her heart. We don't know the conversations she had with God when she lay in bed at night. We don't know about those last few moments of life and what was clear to her in those moments. We don't know what she absorbed and beleived to be true from her time in the Youth Ministry. We have no idea what she clung to from her one on one times with different adults in the ministry either. That can make us sad or angry. Or it can give us hope because we know that God is bigger and more full of grace and mercy than we could ever imagine.

There is a lot I don't know about my camper. And I was sad. And I was hopeful. And I was angry for a bit because I asked God for a specific sign and he did not answer me. Much like the writer of that blog.

In time I truly came to believe that God did not answer me on purpose. Of course - it is God after all, and I think he does everything for a reason. I know there are times he says yes, and times he says no, and times he wants us to wait. And usually when I think he didn't answer at all - He did answer, just not on my terms or the way I was expecting. But perhaps, when it comes to people passing away there are things we need to not know. There are questions we must not have answered as not to get to cocky with where we are or arrogant in our knowledge. We need to be reminded that He is God and we are not. He is the sustainer of life and we are just instruments of His peace.

That off my chest, I need to make some calls about my car. And I need to get to Old Navy before they sell clear out of all those great PJ pants.

Peace Y'all.
I hope you had a Merry Christmas.